being detached..

yesterday, i was changing mr. Lion's shirt at nite time and after i took out his arms, his head was next. the way i did it, it sort of got stuck (not in a tough way but a slight tug)..just that day when i was changing Leeboo's shirt, i heedlessly (carelessly) did the same thing but she being the ultra sensitive type to any tinge of pain (even the smallest little pinch), started to cry 'cuz i didn't do it carefully and the shirt's neck must've hurt her nose or something. .

so when i was changing Mr. L's shirt, i had a flashback of the morning events..and i dont' know how but i suddenly saw myself detached from my kids for a second and actually saw them as Allah's bunday..slaves...like i am only an instrument of my Lord. I felt this compassion for my kids that i've never felt before. I realized i don't OWN them..you know how you feel these are YOUR kids and you almost take them for granted... my kids personalities, their education, their tarbiyya, their future, their destinies, and securities.. ALL of it is out of our hands as parents. My job is to sincerely do what I am supposed to do so that I am clear with My Lord...my accountability is with HIM. My manner of talk to them, my respect of them as insaan, as human beings worthy of respect..true respect.... in how i deal with them every moment, even in my anger, frustrations, disappointments, hurts, exhaustions...in keeping in mind that if He calls me back right now, what can i say about myself...can i be true to Him? can i be true to myself with regards to this accountability issue?

this, i realized requires a concrete definition of success in my mind. I realllllly have to ponder and mull over this word for myself and my family. Am i an instrument of that success (whatever that definition is for me)? How is my definition same/different or in alignment with His definition as His people of this duniya? and if my defn is different, why is it so? and how can i align it with His defn? 'cuz it's quite possible i will never see the fruits of my labor in my lifetime...

oh, how weak and incapable i truly feel. it's only My Lord and His rahma and His baraka and special favors on me and my family that can keep us and protect us...