summary of my talk with a dear friend

i had a conversation with a dear friend from years ago who has moved to TX. This couple embodies what i have always imagined my tarbiya scenario would be with my own kids. Her kids are 8,5, and 4mos. MashaAllah, may Allah always protect them from the 'ain and hasd....


here is a summary of the key points that i need to remind myself of...
they put their dd1 in public kg (even though i detected a little hesitation on her part..but i think it was a dh's decision) for the sake of getting the socialization (and i'm not talking about the typical american one that comes to mind), the competitions that come with the public schools (spelling bees, debate type, science fair, etc.), and overall make the kids know how to deal with public...if that makes any sense... anyhow, at the time, she said it felt like a total waste of time 'cuz dd was not learning anything and they basically comforted the child by saying that school is not necessarily for learning new things but to practice all that we've learned.


now she is in 3rd grade and got placed in 'gate' program after being tested in KG. that has helped a lot. she said each year dd got a teacher who was open to helping dd with different things. in KG, dd was told by parents to try to finish her work fast so that she ask for more work or to ask if she can help the teacher. in 1st grade, the teacher gave more challenging language arts stuff; the 2nd grade teacher gave more math stuff. (this yr i dont' know)...


here r some points:

1. dd finished quran in 1st grade: mom read arabic books at home since the age of 3 but when dd turned 4, they had a quran teacher come to the house twice weekly until she finished reading the quran.
2. after that, concentrated on arabic. another teacher ('cuz the other teacher moved away) comes to the house for arabic for 2 hrs on weekends. so now dd is able to read arabic (mom is following the local islamic school's arabic/islamic curriculum) at the 3rd grade level. so in arabic, grammar, etc. is taught.
3. dd is also doing hifz with the local masjid's sheikh twice a week (wednesdays and sundays). hifz is going a bit slow now 'cuz of school, but it's there.
4. taekwondo once (or twice?) a week
5. Kumon every day
6. dd is able to read urdu right now.
7. during pregnancy of her 3rd, she slacked off on going to masjid, but now she's picking it up again slowly to take the kids for magrib everyday. the imam at the masjid said in a khutba, that it's important for the kids going to public school to go to the masjid once daily. the hearing of the azan, the quranic recitation is very important for them. mom felt that was true 'cuz she felt the difference in her kids when she was not doing it.
8. she does scheduling with her dd the night before for the next day. so that depending on what is happening the next day, the dd knows what to do in order to be able to have free time before sleeping! mostly, the dd knows how much time she has to finish her work in order to have free time before sleep time.
9. during the free time (if she has finished her HW & Kumon), then she usually plays in the backyard, arts/crafts, or they go for a walk (but it can't be at nite, huh?)...she said she tries to get them to be out everyday either for a walk, biking, or scootering, etc.
10. upto like last year, mom would go and have lunch with dd at school! she said it made a difference..(how? i don't know but i can speculate and our conversation ended 'cuz my leeboo was bothering me to the max!! arrrggh)
11. here is their typical monday's schedule:

School- come home- shower/change of clothes (everyday 'cuz she had a baby at home and with the swine flu things going on) - snack (which she had ready b4 dd came home)- listen to quran on computer & memorize - kumon- taekwondo- masjid for magrib- dinner- any HW- then free time- sleep at 8pm!!!!


Sooo much food for my thoughts..

being detached..

yesterday, i was changing mr. Lion's shirt at nite time and after i took out his arms, his head was next. the way i did it, it sort of got stuck (not in a tough way but a slight tug)..just that day when i was changing Leeboo's shirt, i heedlessly (carelessly) did the same thing but she being the ultra sensitive type to any tinge of pain (even the smallest little pinch), started to cry 'cuz i didn't do it carefully and the shirt's neck must've hurt her nose or something. .

so when i was changing Mr. L's shirt, i had a flashback of the morning events..and i dont' know how but i suddenly saw myself detached from my kids for a second and actually saw them as Allah's bunday..slaves...like i am only an instrument of my Lord. I felt this compassion for my kids that i've never felt before. I realized i don't OWN them..you know how you feel these are YOUR kids and you almost take them for granted... my kids personalities, their education, their tarbiyya, their future, their destinies, and securities.. ALL of it is out of our hands as parents. My job is to sincerely do what I am supposed to do so that I am clear with My Lord...my accountability is with HIM. My manner of talk to them, my respect of them as insaan, as human beings worthy of respect..true respect.... in how i deal with them every moment, even in my anger, frustrations, disappointments, hurts, exhaustions...in keeping in mind that if He calls me back right now, what can i say about myself...can i be true to Him? can i be true to myself with regards to this accountability issue?

this, i realized requires a concrete definition of success in my mind. I realllllly have to ponder and mull over this word for myself and my family. Am i an instrument of that success (whatever that definition is for me)? How is my definition same/different or in alignment with His definition as His people of this duniya? and if my defn is different, why is it so? and how can i align it with His defn? 'cuz it's quite possible i will never see the fruits of my labor in my lifetime...

oh, how weak and incapable i truly feel. it's only My Lord and His rahma and His baraka and special favors on me and my family that can keep us and protect us...

transformative parenting articles, books

http://transformativeparenting.com/resources.shtml#articles
raising our children, raising ourselves by naomi aldort-- good?
Dr. Gordon Neufeld (author of Hold On To Your Kids)--

Unconditional Parenting. "I remember disagreeing with just how far he went in some cases--or maybe that was from the session I attended with Alfie Kohn on the book. Can't remember" In any case, always remember this: Just because somebody writes it and absolutely believes in it doesn't mean that the person *is* right nor does it mean that it's the right thing for you to jump into.....Daisy...another comment: I am in agreement with Unconditional Parenting and it is one part of asuccessful parenting style, but not the end-all. I think you have to be inthe "right space" parenting-wise to really benefit from it though. I thinkif you are looking for specific tools, this book can be very frustrating.Yet, I think you can keep it's message in mind at all times while you workthrough your own parenting style. I find almost all discipline/parentin gproblems have their root in myself or my husband, not our children. So, ifwe are having a parenting issue, we get 99% positive effects if wecritically evaluate ourselves. This book helped me see that and focus moreon me and the message I was presenting to my children rather than focusingon a behavior that I didn't want. Another book that I really really likedwas Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. It may help at the next levelafter reading Unconditional Parenting.Hope this is helpful at some level.Take care,Amy

"How toTalk to your kids so they can Listen and how to listen so they canTalk" By AdeleFaber and Elaine Mazlish. and "Kids are worth it" by Barbara Coloroso

back to the drawing board...sort of..

so i've been talking to a few friends about the springbrook's montessori program..hmmm..soooo many things to ponder & mull over & do istikhara on..that's the one thing i realize i'm missing so much (reminding myself AGAIN). i have to do everything with Allah in my heart & tongue. I'm doing it to better myself & provide an environment for my kids' tarbiya... tarbiya..hmm.. what a heavy word. Does Allah really have faith in me regarding my kids?....I am just a vehicle. He is the One Who is raising them, despite myself....

i'll write later..